Yes, I’m talking sex in public. Making grand gestures by engaging in naughty sexcapades in the most unexpected (and some of the fanciest and most respectable) places around the city. In the name of our infamous Lebensqualität – while baring a naughty, cheeky grin to the sweet (and oh, so mistaken) innocent image of this fine city – we’ve compiled a list for you of 10 places for a quickie in public (indoors) around the city.
Disclaimer: We’re not promoting that you disgrace these respectable places … that’s why we strongly urge you to clean up after yourselves and not get caught. Giggle. Happy humping … and remember: be quiet, sneaky, and quick.
1. Amalienbad
Getting undressed in a changing cabin with your partner (or other) that looks like it’s right out of a Wes Anderson film? What more inspiration do you need? Keep those clothes off and make that cabin shake!
2. Artis Kino
Choose the least popular film on the program and come on an innocent, little weeknight. You won’t go wrong rolling around with popcorn in your hair in the last row of the secluded cinema four. You can always straighten yourselves out and watch the rest of the film after your done, if you like. Or enjoy a quick after-sex sleep on the comfy cinema chairs.
3. Dorotheum
Nothing’s quieter, and will see less foot traffic than an auction house – when there’s no auction happening, of course. This one’s a mission (almost) impossible though, and we’ve included it for that fact; and also because the whole virtuous, upright aura around the place makes it one wild, kinky ride.
Here’s the game plan: turn up when there’s no auction on in your best dress, beg the people at the entrance to let you browse while posing as a possible buyer or rich tourist and then find a good spot to carry out the mission.
The eyes-rolling-into-the-back-of-your-head O! sold to the highest bidder!
Oh, and commentating really fast like an auctioneer while you’re doing it is highly recommended.
4. Urania observatory
This place has irregular (and late) opening times (check the website) and few people know about it. Do it here like countless others before you have done it – while watching the stars. And if you’re really talented, try to spot the Orion star constellation while you’re at it.
5. The Hundertwasserhaus London phone booth
The red London phone booth next to the Hundertwasserhaus is a great spot early in the morning before sunrise for an upright quickie. Take the term ‘quickie’ seriously in this situation to avoid being caught from an early morning 48er city cleaner, as its located right next to a road. Perhaps, you can do a little dirty talk foreplay in your best British accent while you’re on your way there to get in the mood… but, then again.
Tip: Ladies, we suggest you wear a skirt for this one. And you too guys, if you’re into that kind of thing.
6. Car2Go
Members only: Car2go. Sign up for the car sharing service (if you haven’t already), locate the car closest to you, jump in and drive to a secluded spot with a view (we suggest a view over the city at Cobenzl for the romantics, or if you like it dirty, a view onto your favourite Döner or Würstelstand on the Gürtel) and have fun tangling yourselves up together in the very confined space of a smart car. (Warning: watch the gear stick). Ok, and we can’t help ourselves – if the smart car is rocking, don’t bother knocking!
7. Hotel Orient
Like to step into the whole sex in public thing like your stepping into cold water – gradually and with really hard, pointy nipples? Hotel Orient will take your hand and guide you down the path to kinky adventure. The pay by the hour hotel caters to just your needs! And they have a spa in most rooms! Woot woot! (That’s the ship leaving for the Orient that you’re roleplaying with your body parts – we’ll let your imagination do the rest.)
8. In one of the city’s libraries
We’re not just recommending this one for those geeky kinks that get off from having sex while being surrounded by knowledge (we once dated somebody who had the periodic table as wallpaper and would get off if you quizzed them about it during sex) but the library is a nice quiet spot for a thrilling quickie. And Vienna has a plentitude of libraries, including public and university, with super long opening hours that can often guarantee you’ll find a nice secluded spot between some shelves. If you’re the stylish type, try it in the Österreichische Nationalbibliothek for the grandeur. Thank God nobody reads anymore (wink, wink). Check out a list of the city’s library reading rooms, here.
9. Wiener Staatsoper
The State Opera in a private box. You wouldn’t believe how many people have never thought of this. While this will be the most expensive quickie in public you’ll ever have, just imagine timing your climax with the climax on stage. With this quickie, if you time it right, you don’t even have to be quiet, yet just be sure to make sounds like a professional tenor or soprano when you… you know.
10. The Sacher Hotel bathroom
A little whisky at the bar and you and your partner stealthily slip into one of the opulent guest bathrooms, one after the other. A classy version of public toilet shagging. We suggest you use the men’s room as they tend to be less busy. Oh, and if you want the polar opposite of this experience, sneak into one of the toilet cubicles of the nightclubs, Fluc, or Flex, on a weeknight.
With that, we’ll leave you with this lovely number to further illustrate our point. Just in case you haven’t got it already…
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