Here’s the thing you lovely visitors to Vienna – the tourist invasion can be frustrating, especially at this time of year, so as you tourists sometimes complain about our grumpy waiters, or overpriced Spanish horse shows, we thought we’d vent and let you know how you’ve been kinda’ pissing us off. Get ready for some good ol’ Viennese-style complaining.
Dear tourists…
1.You are causing severe crowding, and driving us out of our charming city center
Rents are unimaginably high, all decent restaurants are booked out and walking behind somebody with a camera around their neck on Kärntner Straße is like walking at the speed of a funeral procession (it’s making us imagine dark, dark things, people! )
2. You are standing in our bike lanes!
Did you notice, dear tourists, that we have really nice, smooth and special separate lanes reserved for cyclists in our lovely city? You know? The ones with the big bikes painted on them?! As much as we love you strolling our streets, stop dragging your trolley suitcases in our bike lanes. Don’t make us ring our bells – we swear, we’ll do it – Ding, ding! Get out the way!
3. We know the horse and carriage ride is sweet and stuff, but you’re making us late for work!
Every now and then, when the streets are quiet and the setting sun lends a tender glow to the streets of Vienna, the passing of a Fiaker dragged by 2 beautifully brushed horses is nothing but a delight for the romantic souls in us. But the rest of the time, we want to slap those horses on the ass to get them moving! We are living in a 21st-century metropole, but there we are sitting in a bus going 10km an hour behind a horse and carriage. WTF!?
4. You make us wait for cake!
Vienna is the city of cake and we happen to like ours at some signature places, like Cafe Central. And now there is a queue out there that sometimes has us waiting for 15 minutes, or longer. All we wanna say is, we are not ourselves when our sugar levels are low. We need our cake.
5. Those guys in Mozart costumes keep mistaking us for you!
We just can’t remember the last time we got out of the metro station at Stephansplatz without being approached by someone dressed like Mozart. Especially when we’re wearing a backpack. And it’s always the same story: first, we pinch ourselves to make sure we’re still living in the 21st century, then we refuse to go to some overpriced concert, and then we walk away with a guilty conscience, because we actually never do go to concerts, here in the capital of classical music, and we were kinda rude to the Mozart guy.
6. You’re putting our waiters in a grumpy mood (we swear they’re not always like that) by not tipping them
We’re excluding Americans from this one, but the rest of you tourists, just so you know, our waiters are burning the milk of our Melange because of you as they’re too busy muttering colourful abuse at another round of tourists that haven’t left them even a copper coin as a tip.
7. All of you on the bus tours – when you get dropped off around the museum’s area, do make way for those walking or running on the same pavement you’re crowding up
Dodging the crowds of tourists that pile up outside the museums on the pavement may make for an interesting Pac Man-like obstacle course for a runner, however, we ask you with the kindest voice we can fathom (think Aida cake sweet) – get the hell out of our way!
8. Stop complaining about our smoky cafes and restaurants
Only we can do that.
9. Stop telling us how clean we are
You are standing amidst some of the most beautiful architecture in the world, where some of the most pivotal history played out, where some of the most profound artists and musicians in the world lived, and the first thing that comes to mind when we ask you what you think of the city is – ‘it’s a clean place’?
10. Don’t tell us we’re boring… you’re boring!
This city may seem boring to you, but that’s because you don’t know it so well. So we’re no Las Vegas – so what?! Have you ever sat in a Heuriger on a sunny afternoon eating and drinking the day away?
11. Your rucksacks when worn on public transport are dangers to society
Seriously, you’re wearing your rucksack on the U-Bahn during peak times?! We get it, you’re going somewhere, but please do keep in mind that when you turn, your rucksack turns with you, and does on occasion smack somebody in the face.
12. Stop going to only Starbucks and McDonalds!
Instead, check out the local places serving up food and coffee that won’t have you in the bathroom 10 minutes after you’ve finished eating or drinking it.
13. The selfie stick trend is dead. Officially. We’re calling it.
No more selfie sticks, people. If you have one, whack yourself (moderately hard so you can feel it) on the butt with it, bend it in half and throw it out the window of the next train you’re on.
14. Flip flops to the Opera or theater – No. Just no.
You chose to do your summer holiday in Vienna rather than on a Caribbean beach, not us. Wearing flip flops to the Opera is not a thing…and even worse, don’t you step those sock-ed and sandl-ed feet inside the opera house. The opera deserves a little class, don’t you think?
15. And while we’re speaking about culture…
Don’t just go to an art gallery because it’s a THING you do when traveling. If you’re not interested, don’t do it. Nobody will call you uncultured, but they may call you a few other colourful things when you’re in the art gallery having your (rather loud) conversation about how you just don’t get art before you whip out your phone for a selfie in front of a Egon Schiele nude.
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