Girls/ Sis – check yourself before you wreck yourself. Not all ‘men are trash’.
Boys/ Bro – be accountable and own up to your shit. Read this to know what kind of fuckboy qualities you may just be practicing.
What most Fuckboys in Vienna have in common:
If they’re from Vienna, they will diss anybody who isn’t. Some of them build their personality on idolising Joe Rogan, Jordan Peterson, Falco, or Elon Musk. Most act woke, but they’re asleep.
They abuse substances and you. Their personalities are ‘strong enough’ to do drugs every weekend.
They ‘know people’ instead of ‘being people’. They think their music tastes and they themselves are ‘superior.’ It’s always a power struggle. You probably can’t tell if you like them, or dislike yourself.
They’re disrespectful, entitled, egocentric, ignorant, hypocritical, judgmental, manipulative, and flaky. Some are good at acting confident, funny, or charming though – that’s the problem.
They heavily rely on sex and their friends to stabilise their sense of self. They often misuse dark humor to cover up racism and sexism.
They will 88% of the time choose getting shit-faced with the gang over anything.
Tinder is their favourite playground. Some ask for nudes, and if delivered, will screenshot and share them with mates.
They can’t be accountable, because their ‘parents messed up in raising them.’ Also, they’re still probably not over their first girlfriend.
They will do, say, project, reflect anything and everything [to get their weenie wet]. Some are selfish in bed, but all want to keep it casual.
They escape conflict through ignoring, lying, or crying.
Anyhoe let’s get to the juicy bit: the different types of Fuckboys:
1. The Athletes (AKA Ice-hockey and Soccer)
It’s like swarm stupidity. They LOVE snus. One question for all of those who fall into this category: How can boys who shower together be so homophobic? Puzzling. They will body shame you. Pressuring a semi-cautious girl into having sex is what they consider foreplay.
How it ends: ‘Boys will be boys,’ and you were surely ‘asking for it.’
Quote: ‘Boys, I destroyed that pussy!’ – ‘Don’t tell (my girlfriend).’
Sex-sentence: ‘I have blue-balls, just let me finish.’
Their perspective:
Your perspective:
2. The ‘Musician’ (aka. DJs and Rappers)
Has the ego of a famous person, without the actual fame. Flexes brands he can’t afford.
Condoms don’t fit his dipstick correctly. He’ll ‘just go in’ like he’s on the VIP guest list. Never gets tested for STD’s though, because ‘if he had something, he would know.’
How it ends: Goes ghost, or disses you in a song.
Quote: ‘My ex was crazy.’ – ‘Women are so lazy and needy.’
Sex-sentence: ‘How many times did you cum?’
His perspective:
Your perspective:
3. The WU Baby Boy
This is not referring to all WU guys – just the f*boys. The WU baby boy is a little know-it-all who picks arguments for fun. He wants to be taught ‘how women work.’ He will fo’ sho’ slut-shame you, though (The audacity!!!), after all the charity work you’ve done teaching him how to lick clit.
How it ends: Sends you his negative STD test.
Quote: ‘I barely studied for that.’ – ‘Girls are just too nice.’
Sex-Sentence: ‘Is that the right spot?’
His perspective:
Your perspective:
4. The TU Nerd
Once again – this doesn’t refer to all TU nerds, just the douchebag ones. For the TU nerd F*Boy, women are unicorns and he’s learned how to treat them from porn and video games. He’s so obsessed with you, you might think it’s an affection erection, but it’s really just a regular one.
How it ends: He’s sorry he can’t give you what you deserve.
Quote: ‘I love strong and confident women [for 3-8 weeks].’ – ‘You’re funny for a girl.’
Sex-sentence: ‘Who does that pussy belong to?’
His perspective:
Your perspective:
5. The ‘Grown Ass Man’
He’s generous with his daddy’s money. He acts like he’s still in his twenties and like you’re the one to settle down with. He only dates very young girls, because ‘age is just a number.’
How it ends: He starts showing real interest when you’re with somebody else.
Quote: ‘You sound like you read a lot of books.’ – ‘I’d be good for you.’
Sex-Sentence: ‘I’m the best at giving head.’
His perspective:
Your perspective:
6. The OG of Fukbois
He’s honest about being a huge dick – in every sense. The schlong is as sensitive as he is, though. Only comes over your place when he’s drugged up around 3 am. You’ll no doubt wake up alone. He tries really hard to make you cum too, but fails.
How it ends: Keeps calling and cyberstalking, even though he has a girlfriend.
Quote: ‘We’ll never be friends.’
Sex-sentence: ‘Don’t you want to? /Keep going /You like that?’
His perspective:
Your perspective:
7. The Psycho-logist
He plays just enough mind games to make you think he’s really interested. He will suck your energy dry like a Capri-sun. He wants to act like he doesn’t know you in public. He projects his insecurities onto you.
How it ends: Starts dating one of your friends.
Quote: ‘Now we’re already two people who don’t love you.’ – ‘If we would see each other more often it would lose its value.’
Sex-sentence: ‘I can’t talk about that, that’s so cringe.’
His perspective:
Your perspective:
8. The Narcissist
His stare will naturally scare you. The ‘love-bombing‘ and ‘future faking‘ in the beginning will have you fucked up on all levels. You’ll be very confused when he suddenly starts ‘gaslighting‘ you. Everything you say can and will be used against you.
How it ends: Dumps you over Snapchat, but keeps ‘hoovering‘ until you block him on everything.
Quote: ‘If a girl was good enough, I would keep her.’ – ‘I never said that.’
Sex-sentence: ‘What do you think about my dick?’
His perspective:
Your perspective:
Remember ladies: If you didn’t finish, technically you fucked him, not the other way around. And to cite the great Megan thee Stallion: ‘It never happened if the dick wasn’t snapping.’
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